Scuttlebutt

Bilgemunky Discount Submarines

If you’re like me, then having a submarine of your very own has been your lifelong dream for at least a few weeks now. The problem is, most submarine dealers want an ungodly amount of money – and that doesn’t even take into consideration the grotesque upkeep expenses. Personally, I don’t have that kind of cash lying around, and I’m betting you don’t either. So this leaves us with two options:

Option 1: Steal a submarine – this would be the more piratey solution, but it poses two very serious problems, depending on what sort of sub you’re trying to steal. First, if you’re wanting to steal a luxury personal submarine, well, there’s just not that many of them out there. It’s tough to steal what isn’t there. Problem number two arrises if you’re going to bypass the sissy luxury subs and instead swipe a top-of-the-line military sub. This is tricky on several accounts, and since the Navy doesn’t seem to have much of a sense of humor about this getting caught can lead to all sorts of trouble. That’s why I recommend… (more…)

Fan Art – Scrimshop!

bilgemunky_scrimshop              carptothegut

By combining the ancient art of scrimshaw with the modern technology of Photoshop (meaning a graphic line drawing) Harpooner Flarq has created two pieces of Bilge art – the first being Bilge in the arms of Keira Knightly, and the second being Bilge getting smacked in the gut with a carp. Good times.

The Devil Wore Purple Plunder Pants – Chapter 5

excerpt from
“The Devil Wore Purple Plunder-Pants”
an upcoming romance novel from Bilgemunky Press

 

note: The following story and characters are works of fiction. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, and especially any resemblance to Keira Knightly, super sexy star of Pirates of the Caribbean, is entirely coincidental.

Chapter 5 – Inside the Contessa’s Chamber

Bam! Crash! Strangle! Boom!

The Contessa de Salma tightly clenched a stiletto to her silky bosom as she stared at her bedchamber door with an intensity that would surely whither the spine of even the most courageous of men. Unfortunately for her, it was no mere man that currently decimated her soldiers in the hallway – it was a demon of the sea, a mad beast driven by love and rage – love for his beloved Keira Knightly, who had looked really hot in that red dress in Pirates of the Caribbean, and rage at having had her torn from his mighty arms by the dastardly Don Squishy, scourge of four out of five Great Lakes. (more…)

The Devil Wore Purple Plunder Pants – Chapter 3

excerpt from
“The Devil Wore Purple Plunder-Pants”
an upcoming romance novel from Bilgemunky Press

note: The following story and characters are works of fiction. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, and especially any resemblance to Keira Knightly, super sexy star of Pirates of the Caribbean, is entirely coincidental.

Chapter 3 – Reunion Denied

Keira flew towards the beach with billowing nightgown trailing behind her. Her dainty heart pounded like a cannibal’s war-drum as her lily white toes dug into the sand, propelling her ever towards her long lost love. She had feared she’d never see him again, but at last, at long, long last he had returned.

Bilgemunky crawled out of the ocean, waves crashing over his sinewy shoulders. He was exhausted from the battle, yet energized by his victory over the rebel pygmies. But it was the sight of his beloved Keira rushing towards him that truly quickened his blood. The outline of her delicate feminine figure was teasingly visible through the ghostly white layers of her gown as she scampered towards him, and Bilgemunky realized that it was times like this when it was good to be a man, or at least a primate of the male persuasion. (more…)