Pirate news, reviews, and commentary...

Review: Captain Ron

Rating: ★★½☆☆
I should hate this movie. It’s full of bad jokes, predictable plotlines, and Martin Short. But then, it also has just enough surprise gags to partially redeem itself. Not enough to make it actually GOOD mind you, but enough to make it a so-so flick that’s worth watching with your buddies, especially if there’s rum on hand. Just be prepared to groan through some of the jokes, and try to think of your own happy place when Martin Short and his movie wife both scream in unison “HoneyAreYOUAllRight???”.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

Review: Pirates of the Caribbean – The Curse of the Black Pearl

Rating: ★★★★★
So I’ve been asked when I would get around to reviewing Disney’s Pirates of the Caribbean. To be honest, I haven’t bothered because I really don’t think I can contribute much to what’s already been said. Most reviews have been glowing, and I agree with them. Those that have found nits to pick, I think, are just trying to be contrary. If you haven’t seen it then do so. Now.

OK, fine. While I’m here I suppose I should say a little about this movie that I haven’t seen elsewhere. Much that’s been said elsewhere is worth repeating – Jack Sparrow is fantastic. Elizabeth Swann is a wonderful actress and sooo very hot. Will Turner, well, I’m not all swoony about Orlando Bloom, but the character he’s meant to portray is a hotheaded blacksmith, and he portrays him quite well. But the one under-rated character in all this is Commodore Norrington. By all rights, this character should have been the butt of the movie. He’s a pompous authority figure who dresses like a dandy and manages to lose his captive (twice,) lose his ship, and lose the girl – yet through it all he remains honorable and comes across as the noblest man of the whole lot. I think this is an incredible achievement by both the writers and the actor. And it’s details like this that make this a remarkably splendid film.

Review: El Cazador

Rating: ★★★★☆
El Cazador
by Chuck Dixon, Steve Epting, and Frank D’Armata
published by Cross Gen (no longer in business)

It’s been some time since I’ve picked up a comic book, but El Cazador was something I just couldn’t pass up. The artwork is simply beautiful, and the storyline is a rich mixture – realistic enough to be possible, but polished enough to keep the romance of the high seas (free from scurvy, rats, and ripe smelling shipmates.) The story revolves around the Donessa Cinzia Elena Maria Esperanza Diego-Luis Hidalgo, a.k.a. Lady Sin, an oh-so-sexy she-captain who nontheless remains fully and realistically clothed throughout the series’ first four issues (and one assumes thereafter, but we can always dream.) (more…)

Review: Captain Abdul’s Pirate School

Rating: ★★★½☆
Captain Abdul’s Pirate School
by Colin McNaughton

Best pirate book ever!!! OK, maybe not everyone has the soft spot for kid’s books that I do, but this one’s a dandy. When Pickles, a young girl, is forced to enroll in pirate school by her father, she dutifully logs the day’s events in her diary. She and her classmates carefully study the piratical arts, but then learn that Captain Abdul, the principal, has deviously schemed to ransom his own students back to their parents. Not to give away the ending, but Pickles and her friends do a right fine job of turning the tables on the fiend. (more…)

The Devil Wore Purple Plunder Pants – Chapter 3

excerpt from
“The Devil Wore Purple Plunder-Pants”
an upcoming romance novel from Bilgemunky Press

note: The following story and characters are works of fiction. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, and especially any resemblance to Keira Knightly, super sexy star of Pirates of the Caribbean, is entirely coincidental.

ChapterĀ 3 – Reunion Denied

Keira flew towards the beach with billowing nightgown trailing behind her. Her dainty heart pounded like a cannibal’s war-drum as her lily white toes dug into the sand, propelling her ever towards her long lost love. She had feared she’d never see him again, but at last, at long, long last he had returned.

Bilgemunky crawled out of the ocean, waves crashing over his sinewy shoulders. He was exhausted from the battle, yet energized by his victory over the rebel pygmies. But it was the sight of his beloved Keira rushing towards him that truly quickened his blood. The outline of her delicate feminine figure was teasingly visible through the ghostly white layers of her gown as she scampered towards him, and Bilgemunky realized that it was times like this when it was good to be a man, or at least a primate of the male persuasion. (more…)

Review: Ron Matusalem Gran Reserva

Rating: ★★★½☆
Ron Matusalem Gran Reserva
www.matusalem.com

Click to buy!
from Internet Wines and Spirits

Whoa, momma! Many sources call this the “Cognac of Rums.” Now, I don’t know much about cognac, but I know a little about rum. And THIS is rum! Made by a family of Cuban exiles in the Dominican Republic, this 15 year old rum is not for the squeamish. This rum tastes like rum, and it has bite. If you’re not ready for it, you might lose an eye (and then you could wear a patch, which would be awsome!) Probably the best and truest rum I’ve tasted since Blackbeard’s Reserve (the 25 year, not that cursed 26 rotgut.) Additionally, this may well be the closest you can legally get to a true Cuban rum, which makes it even more worthwhile. Put it on your shopping list.

Review: Scurvy Dogs

Rating: ★★★★☆
Scurvy Dogs
by Andrew Boyd and Ryan Yount
www.scurvy-dogs.com

The writers of Scurvy Dogs claim time and time again that “pirates are the new monkeys.” I must confess that I only half understand that statement, but deep in my heart I still know it’s true. Similar could be said of their comic book, as I can’t fully understand how the same batch of comically stereotyped pirates (led by Blackbeard himself) can fight both Portuguese Lepers and Vikings from the future while still finding time to work in highrise offices and chase after tankers full of Tang. Nope, I don’t get it – but this comic is so funny it doesn’t really matter. Whether our pirates are picking fights with monkeys in a martini bar or plotting mutiny from their cubicles, this comic is a demented taste of Pirate Heaven. (more…)

Review: Monte Cristo 12

Rating: ★★☆☆☆
Monte Cristo 12 Year Aged Rum
www.montecristorum.com

Remember the movie Pirates of the Caribbean? Remember that pirate in Jack’s crew (the one who wasn’t Cotton, wasn’t the dwarf or the guy with the flask, and wasn’t the cute chick, Anamaria.) Yeah, that pirate. No? Me neither. He was probably very cool and piratey looking, but with so many colorful characters floating around, he just didn’t manage to leave a mark on my memory. Well, that’s how I feel about Monte Cristo rum. It’s good, tastes like rum, even has a reasonably satisfying tingle as it goes down my throat. But try as I might, I can’t find a single thing about it that makes it distinctive from other rums – nothing to make me want to rush out and get another bottle.

And that makes me sad.

Review: Appleton V/X

Rating: ★★★☆☆
Appleton V/X
www.appletonrum.com

Click to buy!
from Internet Wines and Spirits

This isn’t a rare rum. It isn’t expensive. Which is precisely why it deserves a glowing review. This has become my staple rum. I’m no longer a big rum & coke drinker, and many of your grocery store level “real” rums have fallen flat to me. But Appleton V/X is a fine deal – rummy but not too harsh. It gives the illusion of possessing depth while remaining shallow enough that you need not think too much. The perfect rum for a tired pirate doing late night web work or playing Yohoho! Puzzle Pirates – which is exactly what I use it for.

Internet Wine and Spirits says this rum has an “unctuous big finish.” What the hell does that mean?

Review: Seawolf – The Pirate’s Curse

Rating: ★★☆☆☆
In the true spirit of Xena: Warrior Princess comes this low budget movie that, while technically not at all that good, has just enough fun with itself to remain enjoyable. Captain Thorpe is a modern day pirate – but he’s not some lowlife like those actual modern pirates out in Asia with their uzis, this guy’s a class act. He’s always got a half-empty bottle of rum in hand, and since he only steals from bad guys he doesn’t even have to worry about a tainted conscience. Hired by a german chick to escort an aging mexican with the secret to lost treasure, Captain Thorpe naturally ends up with more than he bargained for, including evil twins, storming castles, and a duel with flintlock pistols. Of course, his real challenges are the movie’s continuity issues – in some parts of the movie Thorpe speaks spanish fluently, while in others he can only say “comprende?” Even worse, there seems to be an entire scene missing from the end of the film since we cut directly from the bad guy’s victory to a scene were the good guys congratulate themselves on saving the day. Go figure.

Not really a good film, but hardly a bad one. And definitely unique – if it’s in your video store I’d say give it a chance.