“The Devil Wore Purple Plunder-Pants”
an upcoming romance novel from Bilgemunky Press
note: The following story and characters are works of fiction. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, and especially any resemblance to Keira Knightly, super sexy star of Pirates of the Caribbean, is entirely coincidental.
Chapter 3 – Reunion Denied
Keira flew towards the beach with billowing nightgown trailing behind her. Her dainty heart pounded like a cannibal’s war-drum as her lily white toes dug into the sand, propelling her ever towards her long lost love. She had feared she’d never see him again, but at last, at long, long last he had returned.
Bilgemunky crawled out of the ocean, waves crashing over his sinewy shoulders. He was exhausted from the battle, yet energized by his victory over the rebel pygmies. But it was the sight of his beloved Keira rushing towards him that truly quickened his blood. The outline of her delicate feminine figure was teasingly visible through the ghostly white layers of her gown as she scampered towards him, and Bilgemunky realized that it was times like this when it was good to be a man, or at least a primate of the male persuasion.
When finally their bodies merged, her radiant arms clenching him tightly as she spun his short furry body ’round and ’round, he felt as if a volcano had erupted in his purple little chest. And when at last they kissed, an ever-growing cascade of fireworks burst forth (metaphorically, not literally.)
Yet it was now, at the triumphant peak of their passionate reunion, that Don Squishy, that dastard, that rogue, who frequently cursed in the company of gentle folk, and who only left a seven-and-a-half percent tip no matter how good the service or cute the waitress, yes, it was now that Don Squishy sprang forth and stabbed Keira with his mystical pine-needle (they really hurt, you know.) Don Squishy barely missed her dainty heart, sparing her from death, but it was still enough for the curse to take hold. Bilgemunky watched in horror as Keira’s eyes glazed over, and her mouth contorted into an eternal attempt to roll her R’s (which she had never quite mastered, no matter how much she freakin’ tried.)
Keira’s body fell limp, limp like a hot-dog soaked in top-shelf tequila, limp like a two-toed sloth in a lethargic coma, and limp like a pirate monkey’s girlfriend cursed by a mystic pine needle. Bilgemunky looked towards the storm-brewed sky and yelled, “This sucks!” But then he composed himself and yelled “REVENGE!!!”